If You Give a...

Kids love those If You Give a... books by Laura Numeroff, and I'm beginning to see why: they must see themselves in the cat, pig, mouse, and moose...and their moms in the exhausted kid collapsed at the end of each book! What someone really needs to do is write the motherhood version of those books. I'll give it a shot:

If you give a kid a cookie,
She's going to want a glass of chocolate milk to go with it.

When you get out the chocolate powder, she'll want to pour it in all by herself.
She'll probably make a mess all over the table.

When you go to clean it up, you'll find there are no clean towels or washcloths in the kitchen.
You'll go to look for some in the laundry room.

When you get into the laundry room, you'll find the load of towels you forgot in the washer last night. You'll have to move them into the dryer. You'll open the dryer, find a load your husband's now-wrinkled work clothes, and throw them on your bed.

Seeing the bed will remind you of sleep. You'll think of how much you'd like to just crawl in. While you're in the bedroom, the baby will find a box of Kleenex in the living room and pull them all out of the box. She'll probably try to eat some, too. You'll have to pick them all up.

When you go to throw them away, you'll find that the trash can is full. You'll have to take it out. On the way through the back yard, you'll notice the plants are dying. You'll realize you've forgotten to water them again.

Thinking of water will remind you of the wet towels you left in the washer. You'll go back into the house to move them over.

On your way in, the kid will ask if she can paint. You'll get out her apron and painting supplies, and start to set her up at the kitchen table. Then you'll notice that the table is still covered in chocolate powder. You'll consider brushing it onto the floor for the dog to eat, but then you'll remember that dogs can't have chocolate. You'll have to clean it up with Kleenex.

When you go to get some Kleenex, you'll find that the box is empty and remember the baby. You'll realize you haven't seen her in a few minutes. When you go looking for her, you'll find her eating out of the dog's bowl.

While you're fishing dog food out of the baby's mouth, the kid will decide she needs to go potty. She'll head to the bathroom, but she won't make it in time. You'll have to clean up the mess...with towels.

When you realize that the towels are still wet in the washer, and that you're standing in a puddle of urine, you'll decide you deserve one of the Girl Scout cookies you've hidden in the high cupboard. You'll decide to go get yourself one.

When she sees you eating a cookie, the kid will beg for one, too.

And chances are,

If you give her a cookie,

She's going to want some chocolate milk to go with it.

Moral of the story: Don't share your cookies with your kids.