What got me thinking was a post on a parenting message board by a mom whose little girl always sounded a lot like Keira to me. She'd joked before that they even had an ultrasound photo of her daughter with the back of her hand pressed to her forehead, all Scarlett O'Hara-like, and I could certainly relate! A couple of weeks ago, I opened her most recent post entitled "My daughter has OCD" expecting to read a funny story about organizing Barbies by hair color or something. Not exactly. Her daughter, who's just a year or so older than Keira, had actually been evaluated and diagnosed with OCD!
Lest anyone think I've gone completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, let me say that I am definitely not trying to diagnose my child with a serious disorder based on a stranger's message board posts. I have no desire to have her poked, prodded, labeled, medicated, or made to be self-conscious about who she is, and don't even really think she would qualify for such a diagnosis even if we sought one out. It's just that, for a kid who's literally never had a negative experience beyond a time-out or a broken Icee machine at Target, she does have a pretty high anxiety level about some pretty random things...like bursting into tears because I forgot my sunglasses at Grandma's house ("But you have to go BACK! *sob sob* You can't just LEAVE them there!!"), or because Bear waved but didn't blow her a kiss as he drove away for work, or because Bear has an eye doctor appointment and WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO HIM?!
Besides that, she definitely likes things "just so." God forbid we suggest she sleep in anything but underwear (even when it's 30 degrees outside), or remove one of her blankets because it's too freaking warm for fleece now (she'd rather drip sweat from her forehead all night, apparently). At bedtime, Fancy Nancy sleeps in this crib, facing this way, with this blanket on her. Outside, sand in her shoes, in any amount, is a deal-breaker. Any pants other than stretch leggings are an abomination. A tiny drop of the wrong color paint on her artwork, and it must be tearfully discarded. A few days ago,we made a pretend movie theater in our living room and she wanted to make tickets; it took her four drafts and three tearful "I can't get it right!"s before she was happy with it. And you should be there when we tuck her in at night--she absolutely HAS to say "Good night!" and "Love you!" and "See you in the morning!" at least two or three times each as we head toward her door, down the hall, and into the living room. And if we don't reply to each and every one, even if it means practically yelling from the living room at the end, she comes out of her room crying as if we've broken her little heart, and we start all over.
Is this entirely normal? I'm not sure. Then again, if you read my previous post, you know I'm not exactly a professor of normalcy myself--and you haven't even heard my collection of made-up songs about diapers, the girls, or red lights, OR my fictional air conditioning company jingle yet. (Maybe I am craving some Cocoa Puffs...) And I know that four-year-olds are known for having a flair for the dramatic and a love of routine, so maybe this is all just part of that.
I guess what I'm pondering is whether we're seeing signs now of something that could progress into a Serious Issue later on, if we don't handle it the right way. If so, the question is, what is the "right" way? When she gets all worked up over something minor, do we matter-of-factly point out that she's overreacting ("Do we need to cry about the seam in your sock?") at the risk of making her feel belittled, or show concern to validate her (which seems to get her even more worked up)?
Ditto for the routines she's so devoted to: do we follow those to make her feel comfortable, or change them up on purpose and help her through it so she isn't tied to them anymore?
Most importantly, am I really just putting way too much thought into what basically boils down to my kid acting like a kid? (Do I seem anxious? Do you think I have anxiety about my child's anxiety? Am I compelled to obsess about whether she has OCD??...)
As Buffy's friend Xander would say, "I am so large with not knowing." Because I am a nerd--and a teacher, and an English major--at heart, my plan is to turn to books for answers. If this were a movie, here is where we'd cut to a montage of me at the library, poring (or is it pouring?) over books with titles like Helping Your Anxious Child and Freeing Your Child From Anxiety and The Worried Child and Chill the F*ck Out, Your Kid is Just Fine. (OK, I made that last one up. Maybe I'll write it!). And while I'm at it, I'm also big on collecting input from assorted friends, family members, and internet strangers, so feel free to chime in!
Finally, since Kiwi loves stories and is a pretty thoughtful listener at story time, I also ordered a few books from Amazon that I thought might address her inner perfectionist...
...and her fear of change:
We'll see if a few subliminal story time messages and a handful of parenting tips will help her relax a little bit over the next few months. If not, and if this stuff seems to be getting in the way of her happiness or development, we'll ask about it at her next checkup.
In the meantime, can I just reiterate that we just love this little girl to pieces? Even though the stuff I've rattled off above makes her sound like a pretty challenging child, she's actually a totally hilarious, creative, enthusiastic, happy kid overall. Her preschool teacher loves that she says everything with so much personality ("It's never just, 'Hey, look at this.' It's, 'Hey, guys, check this OUT!!"), she gets along great with other kids, she asks Bear and me how our days at work went and actually listens to the answers, and she is the MacGyver of fun: give her a couple of random items, and she'll entertain herself and Ellie for an hour or more. Bear and I are still waiting for the day when she stops surprising us by how smart, silly, and totally adorable she is, and she shows no signs of stopping.
Jack Nicholson? Maybe not. But she is definitely As Cute as it Gets!
I just read this and wanted to mention that my 3 year old, "Susie" sounds a lot like Kiwi. I don't and neither do her teachers think there is anything "wrong" but they have mentioned her rigidity. What we do, for better or for worse, is allow her to have some of her routines that do not affect others and help her cope with the ones she cannot always have. She has a big issue with always sitting in the same place, at circle, at snack, even using the same swing. Her teachers let her have her spot at snack and explain it to the other children as, "it is just more important to susie." She cannot always have the same swing however because it is not fair to other children to make them stay off it incase Susie decides she wants to use it. We help her cope and if she is still throwing a fit, then we show her a place she tantrum by herself. Susie also hates sock seams, so although she has to wear socks to school, she does not need to wear them at home. For us, this flexible/rigid method seems to be helping her relax her sensory issues and at the same time, although us not to go crazy with her many routines.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely about not overdiagnosing our littles with major disorders. I believe in most cases you don't need to diagnose, just look at where you are and how you can help the child improve.