How Do You Talk to an A-Hole?

(Yes, that title is totally an homage to that awesomely cheesy Jamie Walters song, and don't pretend you don't know it.)

The correct answer to that question, in most cases, is that you don't. You avoid the a-holes of the world if at all possible, and if you find yourself in the presence of one, you say as little as you can and scurry away the first chance you get. That's always pretty much been my M.O., and having worked retail for almost a decade, I've definitely run into my fair share of obnoxious, rude, unreasonable, and/or idiotic people. I'd like to think that I, on the other hand, am a fairly easy person to get along with. I've never been one for confrontation, so I've almost always just kept my mouth shut and tried to let things roll off my back. I'm the "Anything's fine with me--you pick" girl. I'm the girl who doesn't send her food back if they get the order wrong. (Unless it involves mayo. Because, eww.) I'm the "Eh, let it go. He's probably just having a bad day" girl. My mom is probably what you'd call Mother Teresa-level nice, and having grown up with her example, sometimes it feels like I'm physically, biologically incapable of being rude (on purpose, at least) or even assertive.

As I get older, though...well, first of all, as I get older I hate that I find myself using the phrase "as I get older." It makes me sound...old. Anyway, I've started realizing that keeping quiet and letting things go isn't always the "right" thing to do, for me. When I was a teenager behind the counter at a video store, or even as a rookie teacher, I didn't feel like I had found my place in the world yet, and that's part of why I never spoke up for myself--or for anyone else, for that matter. Lately, I've noticed that my feet are planted pretty firmly in Adult Land, and as my wise friend-slash-guru Elizabeth once said, "When you're a kid, you don't have much control over how people treat you. I'm not a kid anymore."

Okay, great. Don't let people treat you (or others) badly. Check! It sounds sort of simple, right? But, here's my question: how, exactly, does one go about speaking up in the presence of an a-hole or bully, without becoming one of them? Allow me to illustrate:

A couple of weeks ago, in response to a mutual friend's Facebook status (let's all pause here and roll our eyes...yes, Facebook drama), someone called a friendly acquaintance of mine "a stupid b*tch." Friendly Acquaintance is not friends wiith either of these people and would probably never see the post; but two dozen other people who knew her DID see it. Guess how many of them replied in any way?

One. Me.

Having been that "just keep quiet and let it go" girl before, I'm not trying to be all judgy about those who decided not to dignify an idiotic and immature comment with a response. I get it. Besides, it's Facebook drama, which is lame by definition, and there's a good chance that by replying at all, I made myself look kind of idiotic, too. But here's the thing: I've also been that "sitting there getting bashed while no one speaks up for me" girl, and THAT is no fun at all. What if Friendly Acquaintance somehow found out that she was insulted in the (virtual) presence of two dozen people she calls friends, and that all of them passed right by without saying a word?

So, I replied. I kept it brief, saying that I like Friendly Acquaintance and adding that the situation being discussed (which I personally knew about) was not her fault. Several people messaged me privately and said they were glad I'd said something, couldn't believe what a jerk this person was, but "didn't want to get involved." And again, part of me gets that; but there's another part of me--the part that wonders if we donate to charity at Christmastime to relieve our guilt about over-indulging ourselves and our kids the other 364 days a year--that wonders whether sometimes the old "I'm not going to dignify that with a response" line really means, "This isn't worth me getting yelled at or looking stupid." In other words, we're looking out for ourselves at the expense of the person being insulted, but disguising it as some sort of noble policy. I know, because I've done it. It's much simpler that way!

Let's be real here: true a-holes, when confronted in even the most diplomatic way, never say, "You know...you're right! Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways. I will now stop being an a-hole forevermore!" They either switch gears, put on their VICTIM t-shirts, and try to make everyone else look like the bullies, or they lash out with an even bigger dose of a-holery. (In this case, it was the latter: a grown woman and mother told me to "blow her." You really can only laugh at that...and I did, heartily.) Either way, it's pointless to try reasoning with these people, and I knew that going in...but the a-hole isn't the person I'm concerned about here. When I thought about how I would feel if I'd passed by and said nothing (answer: like a weenie) and how Friendly Acquaintance would have felt if she'd seen it (answer: hurt and embarrassed), I decided that "not getting involved" wasn't going to be my policy on this one. And, to be perfectly honest, if I'd never been on the other side of that equation, I probably would have kept my mouth shut. But I have. I've been thrown under the bus more than once in the past few years by someone who, one of those times, sat by and literally watched me get yelled at for something they had done. And there was me, being "I won't sell this person out so I'll just fend for myself" girl. I quickly realized, it sucks being that girl! That person actually ended up making money out of the situation, too, and here I am being all complain-y and martyr-y about it after the fact instead of having stood up for myself at the time. Given that experience and a few others like it, I'm beginning to see why (some) old people are so incredibly cranky: because they've been the "let it go" person for long enough, gotten sick of people's behavior, and aren't putting up with it anymore. Well, either that, or because music these days is just too damn loud. ("It's just NOISE!!")

I think part of why I've been stewing about this for a couple of weeks now is that I realized that if I had been insulted that way in the (virtual...or maybe even real) presence of those same two dozen people, they probably wouldn't have spoken up for me, either. They would've followed the "let trash be trash" advice someone recently gave me, and decided not to get involved. And that's totally their right, and I certainly don't think I'm some kind of vigilante who's going to cure the world of a-holes by going around arguing with them at every opportunity. I'm just starting to think that while the "do not engage" policy is fine for annoying political email forwards and even most random jerkfaces (which all of us can be sometimes), when it's at someone else's expense, maybe it's worth sticking your neck out a little to a) make the victim feel a little better and b) keep the a-hole from assuming everyone's fine with their behavior because no one says otherwise. As a 17-year-old cashier being screamed at over a $2 late fee, it sure made me feel a lot better if another customer threw in a reassuring word or a sympathetic smile. But they rarely did--until, of course, the screamer left the building...because it didn't cost them anything to "get involved" at that point.

There are a lot of situations lately where I feel like I have two choices: be a doormat or be an a-hole. And I really don't want to be either of those things, especially when I have two little girls who will learn from my example, the way I did from my mom. (And, by the way, I'm happy to have followed my mom's example, and nice as she may be, I have zero doubt that she'll absolutely THROW DOWN if the situation calls for it, and wouldn't in a million years have let that "stupid b*tch" comment go, either.) I'm trying to figure out how to speak up in a way that doesn't make things worse, when to let things go, and how to simply disengage without feeling like it's giving silent approval. It's hard.

What I do know is that when someone's being bullied on the playground, I don't want Keira or Ellie to challenge the bully to an Ultimate Fighting match...but I do want them to be the kid who says, "That's not nice!" and invites the other kid to play with her. And if one of them ever IS the other kid, I hope someone else would do the same for her. And if one of them ever IS the bully...

...well, then apparently Mommy will have to get involved!