Dumb Phone

I do not have an iPhone. Reasons for this include

1) I am cheap, and iPhones are not
2) After already replacing a phone that was ruined by hot chocolate, and one that fell in a Jacuzzi, Verizon will not allow me the "privilege" of upgrading my phone again for another year, and
3) All of my phones are apparently doomed to a watery death, so I prefer to waste $30 at a time rather than $250 (or more).

I've always stuck with the cheapest phone I could find, and have never had a data package. My policy on smart phones is like my policy on Nutella: I've never tried it before, but I know that once I do, it is sooooooo over. I'd LOVE an app that saves all my store cards, so I can quit carrying them around in my purse. I'd LOVE to be able to whip out my phone and find movie times or the nearest Starbucks (although, really, for that one? Just look around.). I'd LOVE to be able to scroll through my Facebook news feed, browse Pinterest, or play Words With Friends (my latest addiction) without waiting for our desktop PC to start up. But once I finally make the upgrade, I know I'll be kissing another $30-$50 a month goodbye in addition to the ridiculous cost of the actual phone. So, I stay away. If I didn't maintain this policy, I'd be holding an iPhone with my toes while eating spoonfuls of Nutella straight out of the jar. Trust me.

By the way, when is there going to be a class-action lawsuit against cell phone companies? I would really like to know what law it is that allows them to go, "See this phone? The price tag says $49.99, but its ACTUAL RETAIL VALUE is $678, 342. 99. We'll go ahead and give you the bargain price, but you'll still need to pay the sales tax on $678, 342.99." Or, "Yeah, you're not really allowed to buy a new phone from us more than once every year or two. If you need a new one before that, we're going to charge you extra for the privilege of letting you buy it. Oh, and you'll need to pay for its ACTUAL RETAIL VALUE, too." This makes me want to punch faces. But I digress.

Last week, my Fancy Phone Avoidance Policy was challenged in one of those total "butterfly effect" scenarios, in which the unseasonably warm January weather caused my cheapo phone to be swallowed into the sewers below Costco. Keira asked to wear a dress with sandals, the sandals hurt her feet, she asked to ride in the Costco cart barefoot, she needed to use the bathroom, I had to carry her in (who is she, Britney Spears? I'm not sending my child walking barefoot into a public bathroom!), and when I leaned over to flush for her, my cell phone fell out of my pocket...and...plop.

Now, here's a handy piece of information: a Costco toilet is so powerful that it can actually swallow a cell phone without a problem. (I guess this is probably necessary, considering that their food court sells pizza slices that could be used as shelter in a rainstorm.) Those of us with small children who have recently mastered using the potty should keep this fact in mind, lest they be swallowed down, too. So away went my cheapo phone, all of my phone numbers, and...well, that's about it. Thankfully, my cheapo phone doesn't handle any more information than that.

What followed was a three-day period where I did everything humanly possible to avoid paying Verizon $200 for a phone that cost me $30 six months ago. I had tons of friends offer me their old phones, which I could connect to my account for free, but they all required data packages (because other people's "old phones" are still far more advanced than mine). My mom and a few other friends campaigned for me to just use this as an excuse to upgrade to a smart phone as an early birthday gift (noooooooo waaaaaaaaay). I bought one identical to my flushed one on craigslist from a somewhat shady young man who met me outside a different house than the address he gave me over the phone, and it--shockingly--turned out to be no good. I guess $20 was a small price to pay for a "trust your gut" reminder. Anyway, I finally found a working, non-smart phone from a nice young mom on craigslist for $50, bringing my total expense to $70 instead of $200. Woohoo? Whatever. By this point, I hated phones, hated Verizon, hated craigslist, hated Costco, hated toilets, and was really glad to be able to text about all that hatred to my heart's content from my new-to-me-phone.

So, I still have a dumb phone. And until someone comes up with an app called Impervious, which makes smart phones invulnerable to water damage, I think I'm sticking with the cheap route. Don't worry, Verizon...you'll hook me on a data package eventually. But not today.