Two and Through

Ellie will be turning two next month, which means that it's high-time I start bemoaning how my baby is growing up, and petitioning Bear for another little cub. Actually, that's pretty much where I was at when she turned one...but over the past several months, I can feel myself inching closer and closer to officially closing down the baby factory, and beginning more and more to see our little family of four as complete.

A year ago, I would've told you that I still feel like there's a little Raina Elizabeth or Evan Gregory out in the universe, waiting to join our family. I felt a little wistful when I saw pregnant women out in public, and when my sister announced last year that baby Zachary was on the way, I was only half-joking when I asked Bear, "Should we have another one quick, too, and Jen and I can be pregnant together??" Every time Ellie reached a milestone or outgrew a phase (or a clothing size), I'd think about whether we'd have another little one coming down the line behind her, or whether we were (sniff!) saying goodbye to that stage for the last time. Just in case, I saved all of my maternity clothes and the girls' old clothes and baby gear, and only loaned them out rather than giving them away when friends or family members had their own babies. When people asked if we were planning to have a third baby, I'd always respond with a "We're not sure yet" or an "I don't know..." whereas Bear's head would start shaking "no" before the question was even fully asked!

Until recently, I've looked at the girls and thought, "I love them so much. How could I not want another one of these?" And now, suddenly, it's become, "I love them so much. How could I want to divide my time and attention away from them?" I never felt the shift happen, but it's like night and day. I've started thinking about how having two kids means there's no middle child, no Middle Child Syndrome to stress ourselves out over, and no feeling of being outnumbered by the tiny people in the house. Besides that, when we just had Keira, I felt like I was a great mom; after Ellie was born, I said many times that I felt like my quality of parenting was cut in half as my number of children doubled. I definitely think that, for me, there is an inverse relationship between my number of children and amount of patience/sanity, and while we 100% planned and wanted Ellie, two is a good stopping point--it may be all downhill from here!

As Ellie leaves the baby stage behind, I'm starting to look ahead and see all of the benefits of not starting all over again. She's almost out of diapers, she's usually sleeping through the night, and she's halfway to preschool (which mean's I'm halfway to having a couple of hours to myself every afternoon, on a regular basis!). Both girls love spending the night at my grandma's house, which means Bear and I have the occasional freedom to stay out late ourselves without worrying about whether someone will take a bottle or cry all night. This will be the first baseball season where we're pretty sure the girls can both sit through a game, and we're excited to take them, without having to worry about nursing a baby or staying out past bedtime. In another few years, I'll probably go back to work full-time, and we'll be able to afford to take a cruise or go to Hawaii like we've always wanted to do--and the girls will both be old enough to enjoy it (and let us enjoy it, too!). Having another baby now seems to make less and less sense, and all the benefits of moving from the Little Kids Stage to the Big Kids Stage are looking better and better!

Now, for the sake of posterity and not knowing what the universe might bring in the future, I feel the need to say (in case there ever were a "surprise" Cubby Three) that we would always be happy to have another baby, and that s/he would be loved beyond belief, just like the girls are. I would never want our Future Hypothetical Unplanned Yet Highly Unlikely Child to feel unwanted! As it stands, though, Bear and I are perfectly happy to experience the baby phase through our friends and siblings, and to go home at the end of the day without spitup on our clothes, bags under our eyes, or bottles to wash. It's kind of a beautiful thing, actually, though I'm as surprised as anyone to hear myself say it!