"Mom, What's a Heaven?"

I wonder if I'm the only person who's ever been sent into an existential mini-crisis by listening to "The Ants Go Marching One by One (Hurrah)"?

It's Elliana's favorite song of late, and she asks for it all the time: "Ha-WAH? Ha-WAH?" A few days ago, it was playing in the car, and when it go to the line, "The ants go marching seven by seven/The little one stops to pray to Heaven," Keira asked, "Mom, what's a heaven?"

Uhhhhhhh...

I should warn you now: the rest of this post is going to be a huge downer.

I've done a little blathering here before about our religious beliefs (or lack thereof), which basically boil down to this: I wish I were religious, but I'm not. It would be much easier for me if I had what so many of my friends and family members have: faith that bad things happen as part of God's plan, and that everyone goes "to a better place" when they leave this world. When I see all the suffering that people go through, though, I just can't bring myself to accept the explanation that there is a God who's allowing it to happen--for ANY reason.

A family in our community is planning their 18-month-old's funeral this week. I can't stop trying to wrap my brain around what happened, and trying to fathom how her parents still continue to take breaths when even imagining getting that phone call is more than my brain or body can handle.

If I were religious, I could tell myself that God needed that baby girl in Heaven and maybe find solace in believing she's happy there now. With apologies to those who do believe, I instead find myself thinking that if there is a God who caused or allowed this to happen, He/She/It is nothing I would ever be willing to worship. More likely, to me, there is no one "watching over" any of us--including children who have done nothing to deserve having their lives end so soon and so horribly--and as a parent, especially, that realization is terrifying.

Maybe someday I might find a religion that offers the answers or comfort I wish I had now; but for now, picking a belief system just because tells me what I want to hear isn't on my agenda. The girls will always be welcome to explore religion and faith as they get older, but for now, answering questions like, "What's a heaven?" is, to say the least, a challenge.

To answer Keira's question, I finally said that "a heaven is a very happy place," and she was satisfied with that answer.

I'm lucky enough to experience heaven every time I hold one of our little girls...I just wish that, across town (and across the world, in a million places), someone else wasn't going through what I can only imagine is absolute hell.