Giggles for Parents

Bear and I were laughing the other night about how it is so, so obvious sometimes that we're parents. We decided that someone needed to do a spinoff of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." spiel, entitled "You might be a parent if..." but upon a google search, I found that at least one person has already done it, and his are pretty funny. Oh, well.

Ours would go something like this:

• If you have Dora stickers all over your shower door...you might be a parent.
• If you know the names of all the (unbelievably annoying) members of the Fresh Beat Band...you might be a parent.
• If you've ever uttered the phrase, "Please stop licking the wall/your sister/my purse!" you might be a parent (or a kindergarten teacher).
• If there is a tricycle in your bathroom, an old breast pump horn-turned-"trumpet" in the hallway, a toy cash register in your laundry hamper, and Goldfish cracker dust in every crevice of your couch and car...you might be a parent.
• If you can't remember the last time you peed by yourself and without it being punctuated by, "Yay, you did it!" and a round of applause, you might be a parent.
• If you consider five hours' sleep to be a good night's rest...you might be a parent.
• If you've ever thrown away a piece of furniture on account of poo...you might be a parent. (That one's for Bear's sister and the coffee table that didn't deserve such a fate.)
• If you've ever simultaneously steered a car, held in a pacifier, operated a stick shift, and sung along to "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" for the 81st time...you might be a parent.

Really, this could go on for quite some time. Feel free to add your own!

Also, check out these Mommy Merit Badges. Awesome!

Finally, this Toddler Contract from the July 2009 issue of Parents magazine cracked me up--it is SO Keira, and every other toddler I know:

The Toddler Contract

I. FOOD

1. For breakfast, there will be only milk from my sippy cup while I’m watching television (see section II).

2. From breakfast until what you probably call lunch, I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.

3. For lunch I will eat yogurt. Anything containing fruit on the bottom will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground or else throw it up on your carpet.

a. So no fruit on the bottom.

4. From lunch until dinner I will enjoy having something to lick. Why not a lollipop? Why not seven?

a. Between licks, I may place the lollipop on your grandmother’s Turkish rug. This will be ok by you.

5. For dinner I will have macaroni and cheese. Any attempts to give me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in tears.

a. And don’t you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because, my God, how you will rue the day.

6. After dinner, you may provide me with ice cream.

a. No frozen yogurt. Trust me, I know the difference.

II. TELEVISION

1. The TV will be on all the time, unless I say differently. You are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, while I watch my shows.

a. You may arise to fetch me a snack.

2. No diaper changing or pleas to engage in physical activity will be tolerated during watching of television.

3. Turning off the television will result in much kicking and screaming.

III. TOYS

1. There will be many.

a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.

b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small pieces. I enjoy shooting noises that so w-shooooop! Or zim zim zim.

c. Nothing that results in any type of learning, please.

IV. FRIENDS

1. They should be available whenever I’m in the mood to use someone else’s toys or ingest someone else’s cookies.

a. These friends may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.

b. Ever, ever, ever.

V. SLEEP

1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep upside down with my legs locked around your neck, then that’s how it will be.

a. And you will enjoy it.

VI. AFFECTION

1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress occasionally.

2. I will not be pelted with wet-mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to hug or kiss, you must provide me with a written request.

a. And then wait for me to offer my pudgy cheeks.

Signed: X